Waking up in your own city in the early morning, welcoming a new day
You said you wanted the freedom to leave whenever you please.
I said fine, then let's break up.
The air in November carried a breath of sudden relief. How long had it been? How many springs, summers, autumns and winters had I rehearsed this one line of farewell that I had long wanted to say to you from deep in my heart?
Who was it that said you should also pick the right season to break up?! Don't choose late autumn or early winter, because no one will worry about you or ask if you are warm, reminding you to put on the chubby jacket and wrap the little prince scarf before you go out; no one will paint festive green or red nail polish on you on Christmas Eve; no one will watch Mayday's passionate countdown to ring in the new year with you; and when everyone is wildly gathering to watch the first sunrise of the new year, you have no choice but to put this bland, tasteless, too good to throw away chicken rib back into your mouth and keep chewing.
Last night, the first strong cold front hit. In the 180th minute of waiting in vain for you to come home after work, I suddenly realized that the rose I had been tending could no longer bloom into the result I wanted! On TV, the astrology expert analyzed that I was a dual personality who always wanted to play the good child but always had the mindset of a bad child. So I decided to immediately pull out my suitcase and from now on no longer love you, but instead love myself well.
This morning I woke up in a city scented with burning white sandalwood incense, and I wondered what you looked like returning to that lonely apartment where no one waits at the door. Are you nervous because you can't find me? Or, used to sleeping late, have you not yet noticed that I am gone and not coming back? Although the hill behind this city does not have the Yangmingshan hot springs that made you proud, once you put on sneakers and ride a folding bike, you can still enjoy the cool autumn breeze blowing against your face. God is fair after all, right? He won't let me bask in any less warm sunlight just because I left you! After struggling up Trail No. 9, I cheerfully threw away your promise that next time, and the next next time, you would finally go traveling, that promise you made without the slightest hesitation every time. "Someone wakes up in the morning disheartened, someone is still sighing over the past, someone has forgotten why they cry, someone is just used to it..." The voice of a singer I like came through my earphones, and I thought, you long ago stopped understanding my musical tastes, didn't you? Were you too busy with work to take the time to understand? Or did you have the time but no longer want to understand? Is the answer choice A or B? I imagine the way you would flush red and want to argue…
It doesn't matter. Really. No matter whether your answer is A or B, right now I just want to casually find a hair salon with bright, clean windows and neatly cut off the long hair you loved! When your gaze lingers on your phone screen rather than on whether I have bangs, I think our relationship is like that line from the wildly popular drama: we really can't go back!!
I remember an article title Han Liang-lu once wrote: vacationing in your own city in the morning. What an enviable vision of happiness! But right now the pain of breaking up is still little by little eating away at the left side of my heart, and I think that in the short term I probably won't be able to understand what it feels like to vacation happily, cheerfully and without a care in the world. So at this moment of 11:40, the only thing I can comfort is my long-neglected stomach.
Striding forward and turning the corner, I saw a low-key little sign. On the sign, handwritten, were the words
Eggplant curry. Rosemary potato. German sauerkraut. Margherita.... So it was a handmade pizza shop. The manager said: "You must be curious why the shop is called 'Oto'? Actually, it is a transliteration from the Italian word 'orto.' Pizza dall'orto (Italian) means 'Pizza from the garden,' 'pizza that comes from the garden.' Because we sell vegetable-based pizza, we hope and expect that the herbs and vegetables we use all come fresh from the garden. That is the origin of Pizza dall'orto Oto handmade fresh vegetable pizza." His proactive warmth in chatting swept away the slight awkwardness of my coming alone.
Dear J, suddenly I understood: this is it! This is exactly the atmosphere your city has always lacked! The shop's service was not the formulaic response everyone can predict, "Miss, just one?", but a thoughtfulness that sees into people's hearts without exposing their secrets. Maybe the spiderweb-like convenience of the MRT has what you call the exclusive pride of that city, a kind of aloof independence that says I ask nothing of anyone and need nothing from anyone, wherever I go. But by the same token, you also cannot share the beautiful scenery along the way with others!
After finishing the savory flavor with arugula grown by the owner himself, I had another rare sweet-flavored pizza: caramel cinnamon apple. Suddenly I felt that being alone could be this relaxed and at ease! Rather than waiting for someone else to love me, I should work hard to love myself a little more!
So, dear J, next I want to learn to make desserts, the kind of dessert that makes you smile from the bottom of your heart when you eat it, like the banana walnut pizza the handsome chef specially treated me to. That surprising, absolutely perfect combination is a tempting flavor that you, a person who refuses to eat bananas, could never imagine even if you spent a lifetime trying!!
You said you wanted the freedom to leave whenever you please.
I said fine, then let's break up.
Thank you for leaving me.