How My Child Learned This Lesson After Getting Lost Three Times

The one issue no parent ever dares to relax about is their child's personal safety. Parents worry constantly, guarding against child traffickers, large vehicles on the road, and strangers who look dangerous, while also worrying about whether their child might, when no one is watching, take the initiative to do dangerous things. But when exactly does the worrying end? When can parents finally feel at ease letting their child have more freedom to act on their own?

On this issue, stay-at-home dad Dong Xiaokai has quite a bit of experience. In his new book "Hand the Child Over to Dad," he shares his experience raising his son Dami, including how he handled the three times his son got lost. Parents might find it worth considering.

A Parent's Confusion:

One question has always troubled me: When can a child cross the street on their own? When can a child go to and from school alone? Although children quickly learn all the survival skills adults have, I really have no timetable for these two questions. Before middle school, whenever my child goes out, someone is sure to accompany him. Most parents stay within arm's reach of their child at all times, but sometimes children still get lost, especially in crowded public places, where this danger happens from time to time. Can staying within arm's reach really prevent a child from getting lost? How long can we keep up this constant closeness? How can we let a child walk freely while still keeping them safe? Parents really want their child to grow up, yet they don't dare to let go. Perhaps this is the trouble that comes with growing up.

To date, Dami has been lost three times, even though we thought we had always stayed within arm's reach of him. It seems that a child getting lost is a very easy thing to happen. Faced with this kind of risk, what should parents do?

The First Time Getting Lost

The first time Dami got lost was by the shore of West Lake in Hangzhou, when Dami was three and a half years old. At night, the shore of West Lake was swarming with people, and the illuminated fountain in the water drew many visitors. Our family of three was strolling along the lakeside, and Dami kept hopping and skipping within our line of sight... After passing through several crowded areas, we suddenly realized Dami was gone! At that point my wife and I completely panicked, our legs going weak with fright. We shouted Dami's name loudly, but in the noisy crowd our voices were quickly drowned out. Dami had been walking ahead of us, so we guessed he had walked too fast and run ahead, or perhaps he had fallen behind us.

My wife and I split up, one chasing forward and one searching behind, walking while calling Dami's name and looking to both sides... Luckily, after going five or six meters, I spotted Dami diagonally ahead of us. Dami was completely unaware of his parents' frantic search, trotting along with a little bounce in each step, happily looking around. Seeing Dami, we felt relieved. Since he didn't know we were looking for him, we decided to let the mistake stand.

So my wife and I watched him with our eyes, but hid our bodies in the crowd. After a while, Dami seemed to want to say something to us, but when he turned around he didn't see Mom and Dad. At first Dami didn't speak, just kept searching everywhere with his eyes. After searching for a while and still not seeing us, perhaps Dami felt a little scared, and shouted loudly, "Dad," "Mom." We still didn't appear. Dami seemed to lose even the voice to shout, but he didn't cry. He had probably been scared to the point where he couldn't cry...

At that point we had to appear, otherwise the child would feel frightened and might even be left with psychological scars. The moment we appeared, Dami ran and threw himself into his mother's arms, crying loudly... After this lesson, we made an agreement with Dami: at all times, stay within Dad and Mom's line of sight, especially in crowded, noisy public places.

The Second Time Getting Lost

Does a child remember an agreement after just one time? Not necessarily. Dami's second "getting lost" happened in Singapore. The reason I put "getting lost" in quotation marks is that this was a getting lost we deliberately arranged.

At the fountain plaza in downtown Singapore, a technology exhibition was being held. Although it wasn't as crowded as the shore of West Lake, it was still easy to let a child get lost. Dami saw a very fun little house, and inside the house were some high-tech applications involving light and electricity. Dami didn't tell us he was going in to play. It was probably so appealing that he slipped in without realizing it. We watched from outside for a while and felt this was a good educational opportunity. So my wife and I moved farther away, making sure that when Dami came out he wouldn't see us, but also making sure he was definitely within our line of sight.

After Dami came out, there was another frantic search, and just as he was on the verge of breaking down, we appeared once again like a timely rain. After this lesson, we made an agreement with Dami: before doing anything, especially before going somewhere, you must tell your parents where you are going, so that your parents know your whereabouts and location.

The Third Time Getting Lost

With two experiences of getting lost, with two lessons and two agreements, would the child still get lost?

Yes. Dami's third time getting lost happened beneath the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Below the tower there was a carousel playground with a two-level merry-go-round. Dami was four years old at the time, and the merry-go-round was his favorite. After buying a ticket, Dami went in to ride the merry-go-round, and my wife and I sat on a bench under a tree to one side waiting for him.

The music started, and the merry-go-round began to spin. Dami kept grinning on his little horse. The music gradually grew softer, and the merry-go-round spun more and more slowly. When it was about to stop, Dami was still sitting on his little wooden horse looking smug. The merry-go-round had already stopped, and the children got off one after another to find their moms and dads. But at that moment, after the rotating platform turned one full circle, on Dami's little wooden horse, I did not see Dami!

My heart gave a jolt. Where was Dami? I walked a circle around the merry-go-round, and still didn't see Dami.

I searched another circle, and still didn't see Dami.

A cold sweat broke out from my spine. The not-at-all-cold Paris winter brought me a piercing chill!

I ran a circle around the merry-go-round... and ran another circle, and still didn't see Dami!

I wanted to shout, but couldn't make a sound; I wanted to run, but felt I couldn't move my legs!

I felt my legs were so weak that if I ran another circle without seeing Dami, I thought I would definitely collapse to the ground and be unable to move.

"Dami, Dami, come down first!"

"Mom, I want to ride one more round."

It turned out that after this round of spinning stopped, Dami had run up to the second floor by himself, found a little car, and sat down in it, ready to enjoy a second ride on the merry-go-round. Only after hearing Mom's shout did Dami poke his head out...

This experience didn't scare Dami, but it scared my wife and me badly! After this experience, we made an agreement with Dami: next time he rides the merry-go-round or does other things, we must confirm and agree on the time and number of rides, and at the same time make clear the place where we will meet after the game ends, and make sure that we will wait at the meeting place until we meet.

The Agreement with Dami

After these several incidents of Dami getting lost, we made many agreements with Dami, and the contents of these agreements have been firmly imprinted in Dami's mind. From then on, in crowded public places, it was not us leading Dami by the hand, but Dami holding our hands as he walked, following us without leaving our side for even a step.

Now, Dami's safety awareness is even stronger than ours. In public places with few people, although Dami won't tightly hold our hands, he will still make sure to stay within our line of sight. If Dami needs to go to the restroom, he will definitely tell us first, and will emphasize that we should wait outside for him and absolutely not walk away. Because he has formed the habit of telling us where he is going, even at home, when Dami needs to pee he will tell us.

Once, Dami said to his mom very urgently, "Mom, I need to go pee." Mom looked at Dami, hesitated for a moment, and said, "No!" Dami was stunned... Then our whole family burst out laughing.

Agreements can not only make travel safer, but can also help children build safety awareness and be psychologically prepared to deal with sudden situations such as getting separated in a crowd, car accidents, and tsunamis. Discipline agreements are something to pay special attention to when traveling out. Agreements are also a good habit. After making an agreement, you must keep using the agreement and solidify these agreements. Only after an agreement has been tested in practice will it become more effective.

A good life habit must be kept up for at least two weeks before it truly becomes a habit. Therefore, good habits must be carried out by parents leading the child to persist, and the parents' persistence is more important than the child's persistence.

Of course, a bad habit may be very hard to change after being kept up for just one week. Therefore, parents should promptly stop their child's bad habits, and of course, including the parents' own bad habits. The sooner you say goodbye, the better!

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