A Succulent Lover's Story: Adventures with Succulents and a Succulent Love Affair

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Preface

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The main text begins:

Thanks to the author [Eve] for theoriginal contributionand sharing

Editing and organizing: Encyclopedia Jun

Coordinates: Kunming, Yunnan

Only The Winds

 For Now I am Winter

ólafur Arnalds 

00:00/05:21

More than two years have passed in a flash. Recently I came across an article about some of my past experiences, and it hit me deeply. But over these past two years I've hardly mentioned anything outside the main storyline. In the past I felt there was nothing worth saying or recalling about sorrow, but now it seems that was also a chapter of my journey with succulents, heh. In this piece I'm mustering the courage to open all my photo albums and step into those unbearable memories. Let's turn back time two years.

What did I go through? Perhaps these things weren't what I wished for, but they weren't beyond what I could bear either. The story of life is like succulents growing through the four seasons - the past fades and falls like dead leaves, while memories remain forever on this calloused stem like leaf scars.

"This really is the most distant and massive migration of my entire life." Two years ago, with these words, I set off for Yunnan with hundreds of pots of succulents and my other half (see the historical post "Migration with Succulents: This may be the most distant and massive migration of my entire life!》）。

I always believed that such a quiet city could be the most suitable place to settle down, a place far from the noise of big cities where one could quietly enjoy life. As it happened, I successfully found and was hired by Kunming's only large pet company.

With all my hopes and dreams, I built a rooftop garden in this unfamiliar city, living quietly and busying myself with drive.

Yes, I was very happy, feeling that life was already perfect. Every day I was immersed and intoxicated in it.

Just like that, a month passed. Lost in my own little happiness, having cast aside all worries and completely relaxed my guard mentally, I didn't notice the threats around me. And then, at that moment, the first tragedy struck.

Betrayal! Yes, she who had come with me to Yunnan carrying our dreams betrayed our relationship again. Why? Again? I don't know. It seemed like a joke of fate. We had struggled together in Shenzhen for a year, and all those happy times and accumulated experiences were shattered in an instant one month after coming to Yunnan. She left just like that. Yes, I drove her away, because this was the third time - unforgivable!

Go on, it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe this isn't what you wanted, maybe you can't let go either. With all the temptations in this society, I'll play the villain. I won't give you hypocritical blessings, because I myself have basically nothing - how could I be qualified to bless you?

I stayed alone in this city, continuing to work and strive on my own, sitting alone in the garden enjoying myself every day. Yes, you left, but you can't take away the shadow you left on every single succulent, you can't take away the memories of us raising them together from seeds. I can still enjoy all of that through the succulents. And you? What will you still remember? Haha, I'm happier than you.

And just like that, another three months passed. Working by day, spacing out in the garden by night, continuing to enjoy this easy life. Meanwhile I got to know quite a few succulent friends, and they often came to my home to hang out, exchanging and sharing succulents together.

But unexpectedly, just when everything was improving, my only source of income - my "job" - was about to be lost. Why? I don't want to recount those terrifying details again. The boss's mind collapsed under too much pressure, and as described in the chat records of a previous memoir, he ended up in a psychiatric hospital, and the company could no longer hold steady. (Another ten thousand alpacas stampeding in my heart.) Sigh, whatever, life has to go on anyway. To guard against emergencies, I had placed a small sum of savings in my mom's hands to invest, as a rainy-day fund. Unexpectedly, when I urgently needed it, my mom said the deal with the other company fell through and the money couldn't be withdrawn. (Damn, troubles never come singly.)

So? Partner gone! Savings gone! Job about to be gone too? What do I still have? My heart had alpacas stampeding like a surging river.......

That day was the anniversary of my dog's death. I gnawed on a roasted corn cob bought downstairs for 3 yuan, sitting dejectedly in the center of the garden facing its sculpture. I didn't cry, because this kind of despair-to-numbness wasn't the first time. I was just thinking, what am I doing this for? Yes, at that moment I started to think: why did I leave a life of plenty in Shenzhen and come all the way here?

I closed my eyes and sat quietly, and that sitting lasted four hours. The sky had gone completely dark. When I opened my eyes, there was only one thought in my mind: to hell with life! To hell with despair! So what if I have no income? I've already paid a year's rent. So what if I can only afford roasted potatoes and roasted corn every day? So what if I have no money to go out? I still have a body full of fat to burn through! I still have a bicycle to pedal! All unhappiness and unpleasantness is just wasting my time and energy!

What else do I have? I still have a bunch of succulents! A bunch of succulents waiting for me to tend and admire every day, and I still have a bunch of succulent friends who often exchange and share succulents together! Yes, there's nothing to worry about, nothing to fear. Live a day, be happy a day; live a day, work hard a day. If heaven decrees my death, I can't escape it; if heaven lets me live, I won't die! It's that simple.

The company had basically reached its winding-down stage, and there was nothing left for me to do, so I spent more time in the garden every day, more time with my succulent friends. And just then, I encountered a new romance - yes, a balcony-gardening architectural engineer. It was like a spark ignited from the ashes of despair. We met because of a shared hobby, and came together because of a common goal. Although reality was very cruel, it didn't seem to stop us from growing.

Yes, what a beautiful memory. We planted succulents together, traveled far to visit greenhouses everywhere, tidied up our little garden together, played piano together, drew together, planned our future life together. How wonderful. We came together because of succulents, and because of them we were so in sync. All of this was a gift from the succulents. This kind of happiness makes you forget all of reality's troubles. Money? Family? Worries? Hehehe, we forgot them all. We only remembered the present.

One day, while transplanting seedlings together, we talked about a very real problem - yes, a problem we had been ignoring - money. Her company also couldn't pay wages because it hadn't received project payments for a long time, and we had been living on maxed-out credit cards. So no matter how happy we were, we couldn't escape reality. While working with our hands, we discussed all kinds of life problems, and eventually reached a consensus. What was it? We wanted to sell succulents to sustain our basic living.

How helpless and grim, isn't it? As a grower of so many years, to suddenly have to sell succulents to make a living - how should we balance it all? Sell! Can you bear to part with them? Don't sell? How much capital do you have to burn through? Yes, it felt like what we were selling wasn't just succulents, but also a chapter of experience full of memories.

On one side was struggle, on the other helplessness. Sigh... In the end, the decision was made. That month I officially started selling the succulents that had wandered along with me. Business was very good, because succulent friends from all sides supported me. The feeling of each succulent being removed from its soil is indescribable - touching those aged roots, on one side the money you depend on to survive, on the other the succulents carrying all your memories.

Close your eyes and just do it. Because if I don't, I won't be able to sustain our life!

And so, I earned my first sum of money, and at the same time lost something - lost an indescribable feeling. This scene had happened before when I left Shenzhen. That helplessness was only because of your own powerlessness...

There was no turning back, only moving forward. But it wasn't as bad as I imagined. After selling a batch I had some funds, so I started going to Dounan to stock up, slowly rolling along with a very small amount of money. At this point, the livelihood problem was solved, and the best part was that I no longer had to sell my own succulents. Hahahaha! Perfect!

Every day I pedaled my bicycle between the rooftop and Dounan, selling goods and making money, while she waited for me at home after work. On weekends we packed and shipped together. Just like that, a quiet life, and those entanglements and unhappiness faded away.

A quarter passed in a flash, and the end of the year was approaching. We decided to go on vacation to Malaysia together for a good rest. Wow! Oh my, life felt absolutely wonderful. I never imagined that I, who just a few months ago felt eating was a problem, could a few months later go on a sunny beach vacation with my partner. What a turnaround, hahaha.

Life is full of ups and downs like this - one moment hell, one moment heaven. When sad, face it bravely; when happy, dare to enjoy it.

Yes, dare to face the "cruel truth." No sooner had I thought it than it arrived. Fate really is like a heartbeat.

A blooming gorgeous flower takes only an instant to disappear, and our relationship was the same - it cracked just like that.

Why? I exposed a lie, a lie that questioned loyalty. As Virgos, neither of us could accept a crack in this flawless love, but human nature is always greedy. We argued constantly over this one point, constantly blaming each other, until all our dreams shattered.

Suspicion made it impossible for us to be together anymore. I left the house we shared, sitting in the garden every day smoking, feeling the wind, looking at the flowers we had planted together, picking up one withered fallen petal after another. I felt I was wrong, because people are inherently imperfect - let alone a love created by two people. How could it be seamless? I brought roses and apologies hoping to salvage the relationship, but it was to no avail.

Red roses - I stood at her doorstep for 9 hours. White roses - I spent a day in the garden preparing an apology speech. Yellow roses - there was never another chance. No matter how many times I gave them, no matter how I apologized, it was to no avail. She accepted them, but then immediately tore them apart petal by petal... along with countless rejections and one sentence: "You should go"!

I left, but then I saw that she had carved my name into her hand with a knife, leaving these words. Hahaha, I laughed too. At what, I don't know. Maybe at my own stupidity. A love that should have been so perfect, yet because of one tiny flaw, I couldn't tolerate it and had to expose it. In the end it made her unable to face what she had done, heh. It's over, it should be over. Because we had both gone mad... Yes, you're a terrible person and I'm no better. I never want to see you again, because my existence only drags you into darkness from which you can't escape. Goodbye.

Actually, love is like growing succulents. Every variety, like every person, has its characteristics - the good and the lacking. The consequence of being unable to tolerate them isn't that you're right and I'm wrong, or that I win and you lose - it's that we both lose.

I can't really call it sorrow. It's an experience, an experience of her and me and them. Besides, for me now it's just a replayed memory.

Lost it, it doesn't matter. And even if it did matter, what could be done?

The piercing cold winter wind howled in the garden every night, making it hard to sleep. Night after night of nightmare torment, every day opening my eyes to the setting sun, closing them to dawn, piles of fast food boxes scattered everywhere like mountains. A terrible person - that's how I defined myself back then. A terrible person with nothing, who couldn't hold onto anything. A terrible person who every day could only squat in the garden and go nowhere, smoking while watching the sun set and rise.

This went on for quite a while, until my body gradually weakened, until all kinds of debts drove me to have to get up again.

Yes, get up! Even if it's like a walking corpse, get up and earn money to eat. Get up, write some articles, do something - maybe it'll be better. Yes, even if I'm a terrible person, after all I'm still a person!

While sorting through memories, I sorted through the garden; while tidying the house, I thought about things. What else do I have? I still have a pile of debt, and I still have a bunch of succulents. I still have my own two hands!

Busy, busy, busy, busy - no longer thinking about those things. I started opening the door to encounter things beyond the piano, painting, writing, flowers, mud, and fast food. Heh. What can I do? Meet more friends, maybe that'll help.

During that time I got along especially well with a few succulent friends - mooching meals at each other's homes every day, drinking beer together at night, happy.

Later, a few friends who called each other brothers discussed opening a greenhouse together, making it a public hobby platform that could also bring in some income. Sigh, but in the end, I don't know how to describe or recount that experience with friends and so-called brothers and confidants. (Anyway, it was all kinds of things - terminal illnesses, prophecies, spirit mediums, hospital emergencies, accidental miscarriages, friends turning on each other in epic fights - I didn't participate in any of it, purely spectating and getting caught in the crossfire. You can fill in the blanks yourselves.) I can only say simply that the end result was that my health collapsed and my debts grew even more.

An indescribable experience of despair, tormenting the mind like a nightmare.

Friends! Heh. Confidants! Heh. Brothers! Heh. Let them all go, it doesn't matter. Trust, deception, betrayal? None of it exists! Both the harmer and the harmed are sinners, aren't they? If you're strong enough, who can harm you? If you're too weak, just hide well.

Beasts each eat their own food, plants and flowers each absorb their own nutrients, people each seek their own profit.

At that time it was almost Chinese New Year, and the garden became especially quiet - withered plants scattered everywhere, branches swaying in the wind. There was no love here, no friendship here, and no family far away in my hometown. No quarrels, no happiness, no smiles or sorrow... No people, no animals (my idiot friend didn't close the door when going home, and even the dog ran away), and no gods. Nothing was left, only some plants that had witnessed all these experiences. At this moment their colors were especially vivid - red like flowing blood, black like still shadows, purple like the mystery of the human heart, blue like the clear sky.

The slanting sun cut across their cold leaf tips, scattering especially dazzling light. Enya's hymns played, the clear breeze swirled with a sea of clouds, birds perched high and sang. I lay on the ground with a withered flower tuft in my mouth, looking at the sky....... Beautiful! Truly beautiful!

Actually, there is still hope here. What kind of hope? The hope left by the people who once came here, the wishes they made:

"I hope to have a garden"

"I hope I can space out in the garden so carefree every day"

"I hope there will always be a pure land where no one will interfere with me"

"I hope to have succulents I can never finish planting and varieties I can never finish buying"

"I hope the garden can grow bigger and bigger like a flower"

"I hope I can enjoy the garden together with the person I love"

"I hope to open a greenhouse and turn my hobby into a career"

……

Yes, these are the reasons why I unexpectedly met those people, and this was also the original intention of our beautiful encounters and shared efforts, wasn't it? Although everyone has left, all the unhappiness was taken away with them too, wasn't it?

What's left is only the dreams we never completed together, isn't it? Take a deep breath. To hell with pain - it's simply asking for trouble and wasting time thinking about so-called life. Get up! For every day you live, strive one day for your dreams. For dreams - the garden of the night!

Phew... So in the end I got back up again, scraped together what little face I had left, and went back to my hometown that I hadn't visited in years, seeking help from family. Anyway, that's about it for this year's experiences. More masochistic memoirs in the next installment, "Adventures with Succulents - The Entrepreneurship Chapter," later....

Looking back at these past events now, it's actually a kind of enjoyment, hehehe. Anyway, whether sorrow or joy, it's all in the past... Along the way, thanks to all my succulent friends for your silent support. If not for you, I probably wouldn't have made it to episode two, hahaha. Hey, actually even now many old friends keep asking me if I regret it. I can only say what's the use of regret? Nothing can be salvaged. So I say firmly: giving up my 12-year career in pet grooming education, wandering all the way with my succulents, enjoying all the way, experiencing all the way - no regrets. Unless I'm dead, I won't know how to write the word regret! Hahaha...

The facts still prove one thing: "Dreams are beautiful, but reality is cruel." Fill in the blanks yourselves. The end!

Encyclopedia Jun's rambling thoughts:After reading this, all I can say is life is like a play... Everyone's life is a play, and everyone is the protagonist in their own play - some plain as tea, some surging like strong liquor. Only you yourself know the warmth and cold of it all. Outsiders are just the audience, and only you can part the fog and see the moon. After all, life must go on...

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